Episode 3 – The Unfortunate Truth About Pandas

Welcome back to the Alfology2 Podcast. Episode 3 is a controversial topic…

Should pandas be allowed to die out?

It’s time we let pandas run their natural course. Let’s save money given to conservation charities and give it to animals with a chance.

Here’s my view on Pandas, why they are doomed, why they are bad bears and why it’s all a conspiracy. Listen below or through most major podcast providers or the Alfology2 YouTube channel. There is also a semi-accurate transcription of the podcast below.



TRANSCRIPTION: Hello and welcome to what will be episode 3 of the Alfology2 Podcast. It is currently 4:56a.m. on a Tuesday morning and I can’t sleep – so this is what I’m doing. So far on the podcast we have discussed why the alphabet’s in the wrong order and where Scotch Eggs came from. So I think it’s only natural for us to move on to the next logical topic, which is why pandas should be allowed to die out. 

First of all, I’d like to make it clear. I’m not saying we should kill the Pandas. Let them be. Let them crack on – feed them if necessary. Let the current pandas crack on with what they want to be doing, which is apparently not very much. What I’m saying is that we should cease our efforts to keep the pandas going at the moment. There’s a lot of funding, a lot of man hours going into making sure that Pandas fuck each other and therefore create more pandas and survive. However, really, there doesn’t appear to be a lot of willingness from the side of the pandas, which does make the issue slightly difficult. Anyone who knows me or has spoken to me or follows me on twitter or has met me in a pub will know that I feel pretty pretty strongly about this. 

So let’s go through the reasons why we should say Fuck Pandas, move on to something else. In fact, fuck pandas is probably good way to start, because that’s exactly what they’re not willing to do. Lots of effort to be made by conservationists and scientists to work out why pandas won’t fuck each other or to even try and make them make then do it. I think essentially they only ovulate –  females, they ovulate once a year and then the males got to  be up for at that time and really the males and are only up for it once every three years, and it doesn’t coincide. So you got have a lot of things going for you to create a panda baby and obviously even if they do go for it and have it off when the woman is ovulating and he does end up blowing his beans up her panda muff, then it still might not catch, you know with any pregnancy, its not necessarily is easy as all that. He could be impotent couldn’t he? So that it really is a poor start. You know, lack of creating new pandas – lack of willingness to create new panels with the current pandas is a real issue. And really, you know, if you do create more panda from the current pandas, then the next generation of pandas will be the same. You knows it’s all the same. That’s just gonna carry on doing that. So we should be artificially spunking and women pandas to keep to keep them going for as long as possible. When, really, yeah, let’s just let them go with dignity. Yeah, right. 

So move on to why they are bad bears. They are bears. I think. I’m no biologist, but they are i believe called panda bands, or Giant panda bears. They used to eat meat thousands of years ago, they decided that they wanted to stop eating meat. I don’t know why they did that. Potentially, due to the fact that bamboo is quite easy to catch. You don’t have to catch prey anymore. Bamboo just sitting there, going “yeah, alright”. Yeah, just they’ll just catch that rather than having to hunt down mice or whatever they used to eat. So we have the first issue that they are probably the only bears in the world which are vegan, which is interesting strategy. The bamboo that they eat – they only really think one specific type of bamboo. I’m sure somebody will correct me if I’m wrong. They won’t just eat any old type of bamboo it has to be their particular type. So you can’t just say “there’s some bamboo there mate”  They’re like “no”. They are like the coeliacs, you can’t just say “well here’s some bread if you’re hungry?”  “That’ll kill me you twat”. But really there’s very little nutritional value bamboo that they do each, which means they can’t hibernate, as other bears do,  which fucks with their whole life cycle, which we get makes things much more difficult for them to live in the wild. 

And then I have a slight issue and i guess its our fault. We’ll have to hold our hands up, the human race. We have destroyed a lot of their habitat, destroyed lot where the bamboo grows, where they would live, so there’s not really anywhere for them to go even if we do keep them alive. Unless we recreate their habitat. But I think, realistically, the Chinese government aren’t gonna be super keen on doing that. 

Next thing is a but..… They are black and white, You knot. They’re no exactly gonna be catching stuff in the wild, are they? That’s probably actually rather than laziness Why they did when they went vegan. Because they’re like “for fuck’s sake, man. I’m a Black and white bear, I live in a green forest. Every time i want to catch something, it fucking spots me aa mile out.” They’re like “Oh, yeah? Its that fucking huge Black and white bear that ate my mate. I’m gonna piss off now.”  So as soon as they went to catch anythin, it ran away because they sort of fucking huge black and white bear. you know, mostly bamboo doesn’t behave that way. Just sits there and takes it. Which is, i guess, A failure of evolution, isn’t it? That they’ve evolved to look like that. What process happened for the Pandas to evolve to look like that. The black eyes and then the white head. But then, like a black body, I don’t know what pandas look like actually, but they are black and white, which is which is weird. 

which actually brings me to a little bit of a conspiracy theory. That pandas don’t actually exist. They are in fact, just men in suits. The whole panda thing has been designed to make you donate to conservation efforts. So you give money to the WWF, not the wrestling federation. You give the money to them on and they disperse it to other animals. And actually, if that’s what they are doing it – pandas don’t exist and are men in suits and we’re all getting money to save the pandas and they are redistributing it to animals who actually need it can could survive. This is not a bad idea, actually, pretty on board with that  conspiracy. So if the WWF words come out and admit that they they made pandas up, then I would have given my money. If that isn’t the case and they are actual animals, which is not likely. Um then it’s not great. Not great state of affairs that a load people are giving money to saving the pandas. You know, the pandas are  the face really of conservation efforts, aren’t they? You look a WWF sign. I think it’s a panda eating some malnutrition bamboo on the front. 

We give all this money to them to save these fucking black and white vegetarian bears who won’t sleep with each other. And I guess the only reason we do that because pandas a friggin cute which they are. Everyone knows that. You see the videos and they go on the the slides. Isn’t that panda just adorable? You know that little toddler in a suit running around there, Isn’t it adorable? The answer is yes, he is adorable. But that doesn’t mean that they are worthy. Like you wouldn’t  feel so good about giving money to saving a certain type of termite would you? Because termites aren’t cute. That fucking annoying. Um, but that’s that. That’s why they do it. They look at these cute bears, give us money and we’ll save the Bears. And actually, they probably haven’t saved the bears. They failed. And you’ve all given you money to it when there’s probably other species that we deserved it that we could have saved. And we haven’t so ultimately global wildlife will be better if we just admitted that pandas were a lost cause. Just let’s just get a bit of palliative care. We’ll just see it out, look after the current pandas we’ve got. If they wanna procreate, then they go ahead and procreate. Just dwindle the numbers down until they’re all gone. It’s dignified. Everyone’s happy enough. The current species which could be saved, are saved. Yeah, we could still put a little bit  of the budget towards saving pandas. But I think probably just portion. Anyway. That’s That’s pretty much yet, but fuck pandas and everything that they stand for. If you do want to give money, don’t give money towards panders, give money towards saving other rivals, which I’m sure are out there. 

That’s pretty much all for me today. Quick – Eight and a half minute rant. Um, why we should let perfectly innocent animals die. I hope you enjoyed. Do you feel free to to subscribe in comment and call me a dick and all that sort of stuff? Yes, thank you very much.



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