In this episode of the podcast, the discussion is about how Football Manager can be used to prevent human overpopulation. In addition, we also confront how it is superior to sex.
Listen through the below-embedded link or through your favourite podcast app or YouTube. There is also a semi-accurate transcript of the entire thing below, if that’s your thing.
Hello and welcome to episode number eight of the Alfology2 podcast. There might be some new listeners today due to the topic of conversation, which I’ll be banging on about. So if you are one of those, go back to start and listen to all of it. Hopefully, you’ll see how we’ve improved to date. Every episode’s about a completely different topic, so hopefully there’s at least something interesting in there… to interest you.
If you’re watching this via YouTube and not consuming via a podcast app, you will be able to see that I am comically holding my microphone up to my face. Reason for that is that my microphone is very crummy, not particularly good. Very cheap, because this is a low budget podcast. Basically, in previous episodes, it was picking up too much of my laptop fan on here. Too much reverb. So ultimately, the sound quality wasn’t very good. So we are changing that today and held up to my my face and actually quite a good gag anyway. Like, I look ridiculous holding this here. So you know, it’s, I guess, quite funny and hopefully will improve the overall quality as well before we get going.
Just wanna talk about the development of the podcast a little bit very, very briefly because I won’t bore anyone. But there is now a website for the podcast, which is alfology2.com. You can get all the episodes through there, and you can also like, send me emails about how shit the podcast is and stuff also on social media. So Instagram Alfology_2 and Twitter Alfology2 to both there, so you can again send me abuse directly.
Anyway, let’s move on to the topic of today’s podcast. What we’re gonna be talking about today is Football Manager and overpopulation and how Football Manager can be used to prevent human overpopulation of the earth. It’s probably a pretty simplistic idea when you come down to it despite being quite unique and off the wall, and probably something no one’s ever ever thought before. But we’ll get to that when we get to it.
What I want to initially talk about is why Football Manager is more popular than sex, or at least per person, Football Manager is more popular than sex. This will develop into using Football Manager to overtake sex is a pastime and therefore control overpopulation. That’s essentially the idea. So I’ve crunched the numbers and Football Manager is more popular than sex. That per per person who uses Football Manager and per person who uses sex, Football Manager absolutely destroys sex, Just wipes it out. Not even a competition. The only problem is not enough people use Football Manager to take on the overall number of sex hours a year, so that that really is part of what this podcast about – how much you need to increase for manager time to overtake sex as a past time and therefore bring overpopulation down – sort of stem the birth rate.
So, I’ve done the numbers, which I have written on this pad in front of me, Miles Jacobson, who is head of Football Manager or he’s some sort of big cheese down there being there. For years, he’s been tweeting in recently about Football Manager itself and about how it’s sold 1,000,000 copies since the last edition was released in October or November last year – 2018. So since then they’ve sold 1,000,000 copies but it’s not really very reliable data because the year’s not finished yet. So we’re going to go off data from Football Manager 2018 for the purposes of this working out, how often people play and how many hours of played a year.
Just before I get started out that maybe there are some listeners who have never heard of Football Manager or are unfamiliar with it so I’ll just briefly explain. It’s a game or simulation played by a lot of football fans and some strategy game fans, where you will essentially take on the role of being… funnily enough… a Football Manager. Then, um, you have to basically do their job. It’s pretty much like work. You basically go to work, but you’re at home and on your laptop. You have to analyze spreadsheets and e-mails and deal with staff on recruitment. But it’s all in the context of, obviously, football. See, you could develop your own players. You could take charge of your favorite team. You can change your own tactics. You could do training, you could buy players, you can manage finances, and ultimately it’s just fucking brilliant. What a game, its unreal. I love it personally. Personally, I manage Shamrock Rovers who are my local team from when I lived in Ireland. I’ve won 25 consecutive league titles. Haven’t quite won The Champions League. Its my greatest regret. Should have won it already. I’ve won The Europa League won lots of stuff.
The great thing about Football Manager which gives it so much longevity and why some people play it for so long, is because of how it moves through time. So once all the real players have retired, if you go 10 years into the game and all the real players have retired from your team, Football Manager will generate fake players each year to replace them, so obviously some teams will get good players some not so good. This enables there to be an ongoing dynamic in the game, so good teams can get bad. Bad teams can get good. It can actually go on just indefinitely. You could just play to the end of time. There are some people who played hundreds of years into the future, and any other reason why it’s so popular is because it allows you to take your local team or a smaller team to international glory. That’s why it’s so popular and why it’s so good.
I discovered it in 2005 when I was 10 and really I haven’t looked back since. I have probably played almost every day since then, totally addicted and I love it. But that’s sort of beside the point I didn’t come here to say why you Football Manager was so good. But ultimately it is and believe me. And even if you’re not a football fan, just get it because it’s awesome anyway, right?
So why is it better than sex? A quite big call on there’s gonna be lots of, really quite pretend macho people saying “Oh yeah he prefers Football Manager to sex” but actually it’s true and I can prove it – that people or Football Manager players prefer it to sex that they spend more time more of their time per year playing it than they do having sex. which is unbelievable, really. I guess that yeah, these people have x amount of sex available to them and x amount of Football Manager available to them, and they choose to play so much more Football Manager. And what you might say is that Football Manager players wouldn’t have a lot of sex. But obviously they are the fucking biggest studs, you know, like they are. If they weren’t playing Football Manager, they would just be out shagging everything left, right and centre so you can just go away with that comment.
Uh huh. Right. So Football Managers stats. So 1,000,000 copies were sold of Football Manager 2018. As of about a month before Football Manager 2019 came out. Just for argument’s sake, let’s say that they sold 1,000,000 copies of that game. Miles Jacobson, head of Sports Interactive, as discussed earlier, he tweeted that the average gamer on that played 285 hours worth of Football Manager. For the average person who bought it play 285 hours, which is about twelve days, which is insane. You like you gotta give it to it. Its unprecedented for a single player game. Basically, that’s just it just hasn’t that just hasn’t happened before with any other single player games, so I really gotta give it a Football Manager there. And if you compare that to the numbers of sex then Football Manager is trashing it, it’s making its bitch, its pulling its pants down.
So on the bit that we want to talk about and that everyone wans to hear about which is the bit about sex and about sex statistics. So I’m going to be talking about British people and the average amount of time a British person would have sex and then I’m gonna multiply across the world, just my stats. Because, to be honest, I wasn’t really, uh, just too lazy to do that research. So I just haven’t done it, which very much replicates me at school and at work. But yes, I’ve done my research and I’ve got some numbers about the amount of sex that people have in the UK. That makes 5778 times in a lifetime, apparently, according to these stats. So the average person in the UK has sex 5778 times during their entire life, and the average lifespan is 83 years, so that’s approximately 69.6 times a year which is hilarious. Obviously 69 is like, you know, sex and stuff so that’s obviously hilarious. But, you know, there’s gonna be sometimes towards the end of your life and, you know, in theory, a lot of times towards the start of your life where you’re not having sex. But just for the purpose of this divided across 69.6 times a year that the average person has sex. This is the average vaginal sex session So Penis in vagina Because what we’re talking about making babies, overall. Not oral sex or solo sex or anal sex or gay sex, whatever. We are talking about overpopulation. So we’re talking about Penis in vagina, which obviously is fun to say it is why I said it twice. 5.4 minutes is the average session from the moment of insertion to the moment of ejaculation, which was done by some scientists giving people stop watches and telling them to go. So the average time that the man would last is is 5.4 minutes, which I guess seems a bit short. But maybe when you think about it the only reason why you would have heard that it’s much longer than that is because the only people that ever talk about it being much longer than that are the people who last like a really long time, which is obviously – ladies – like me. That’s right. That’s why the average might be lower than you think. But that is the average time, according to some scientists, who I will hopefully remember where I got that stat from. And I will credit them in the description, which means that the average person, the average British person during the course of a year is having sex for 375.9 minutes, or also known as 6.3 hours.
The average person spends 6.3 hours a year having sex so lets weigh it up. This is where I’m gonna prove to you that the average Football Manager fan enjoy sex less than the enjoyable manager. And it’s true. So 6.3 hours of sex per year per person, it’s not 285 hours, is it? You don’t have to be Albert Einstein. That’s the third time I’ve mentioned Albert Einstein on the podcast now probably get a bit obsessed with him. But you don’t have to be Albert Einstein’s to work out that 285 hours more than 6.3. It’s considerably more, isn’t it that a lot sex has got to do a lot of catching up? Then again, imagine having sex constantly for 12 hours, sorry 12 days a year. 12 days of the year of constant sex. I’d be raw, everybody would be raw. I’d be in tears. I’d be crying, begging for mercy. But then again, 6.3 hours is a quarter of a day. You know that’s not anything, but that is apparently the average so that I have managed to prove it. So 285 ours is more than six. So what? What what you gonna do? How you gonna argue about that? Football Manager is more enjoyable in sex. People would rather play Football Manager than have sex, and that is the only conclusion that you can draw from the data available. There is no other data which in contradict it. So I would say that this is now a scientific fact Football Manager better than sex. There you go. Nice.
Right, so moving on, we now need to work out how we’re going to use Football Manager and all its greatness to replace sex as a pastime globally. Not replace it entirely we don’t want the human race to die out. Well, some people do. But I don’t personally, but just enough to bring it down so that overpopulation doesn’t become a huge problem. Um, the plan for this is just pretty much to sell as many copies of Football Manager as we can and sell enough copies so that there is currently more Football Manager being played than the current amount of sex. So we need to replicate the current sex hours per year in Football Manager hours, and hopefully that would bring the number of sex hours down. But who knows? Maybe people just do both. But if anyone’s got any better ideas then do feel free to shout because I don’t so we’re doing it this way, right?
So what we need to do first, always work out how many sex hours are had per year, which it’s quite easy. You have to work out the population figures to do that. Luckily, the Internet’s already done that, and I’ve done the research and just whilst i’m talking about this, I would talk about human overpopulation very quickly. Just because obviously that’s what we are trying to sort out. So in 1804 there were a billion people in the world. So 215 years ago, 1,000,000,000 people. Today, or by 2020, this stat seems to cross over a little bit. But roughly around now there are 7.7 billion people in the world, so that’s up by 6.7 billion in the last 200 years. And before that it had remained, I guess, reasonably static, which obviously is not good. Right now, I’m sat in the hottest room known to man, which is probably due to climate change, climate breakdown. And if you have more people, that’s not gonna get any better. Because each individual persons got their own carbon footprint that would destroy biodiversity, building homes, taking up room, travelling, not enough water for everybody or the food for everybody which impacts on natural resources. You you obviously there’d be fewer of them because you’d have to use them so ultimately we don’t want too many people – more a constant replacement of people we’ve got. Basically the U. N. Are saying that by the end of this century that there will be about 10 to 14 billion people, depending on which model you use, which is just just too many just too many.
But going back to the current stance, there are 7.7 billion people in the world. If you times that by 6.3 hours per per year, that is 48.5 billion hours spent having sex per year. Obviously, if you add up the current Football Manager, that’s only 285 million hours spent playing Football Manager per year overall. So globally sex is… for want of a better term.. on top against Football Manager. 285 million hours vs 48.5 billion hours. So what I’ve done the maths and that is 170 times the amount of sex being had than Football Manager being played. We need to increase Football Manager copies sold by 170 times. But that’s actually not true because each sex session, each person having sex has to be having sex with somebody else. These are facts. If you have to, you can’t have sex, you can’t have vaginal reproductive sex on your own you have to do it with somebody else. So what you do, you divide the number in half. So that goes down to 85,000,000 copies that you need to sell. Half of 170,000,000 because obviously the 48.5 billion hours is actually only half that because, yeah, it’s obviously overlapping between all these people. So you only need to sell 85,000,000 copies to overtake sex.
So how are we gonna sell 85,000,000 copies? It’s a question, Uh, the answer to that isn’t easy. You like. That’s that’s 85 times the amount that they currently sell of Football Manager. You have to assume that those people put would play the same amount, which obviously works. It’s fucking great game, right? So how do we do that? These ways are not particularly interesting so I’m gonna just fly through them. It’s not really the main bulk of what the podcasts about. Its supposed to be lighthearted and unique and really getting down into strategies for growing Football Manager probably is the best way of doing it anyway. Explore new countries, Football Manager is quite limited in the countries that ships to. At the moment, most fans are in Europe, maybe some in the states, maybe something like Australian New Zealand, mostly the Western world. Uh, which isn’t ideal. Most people are in Asia. Obviously, India’s got more than 1 billion people. China’s got more than 1.5 billion and in Africa there are hundreds of millions of people living in it as well, so that Football Manager would really need to expand there. I think they don’t sell in Germany, and they don’t sell in Brazil at the moment. Which maybe do sell in Germany? Not sure, but they definitely don’t sound in Brazil. So opening up to those markets obviously sell more copies, prevent more sex from happening, that would be great. Make it cheaper, particularly for those, like developing countries, because potential people wouldn’t have the resources with which to buy it. So they’re already making a lot of profit from the European copies being sold. So just sell the the other ones at a cut price. You don’t have to put in any extra effort going into producing those copies because they’re all online copies. That would probably sell more companies, you know, supply and demand and all that, you know, i got a C in economics. So I know what i’m talking about but yes, supply and demands. If there’s more supply, it will be cheaper. I think that’s it. Any way. Get more women involved. I would say I’m in a few football manager communities online and that there are almost no women, or, certainly not any visible ones. So more women involved. A women’s football to Football Manager maybe might help. Televise Football Manager, get people watching it on telly. Get rid of real,football. Just put football manager on TV all the time. People see it on TV think “Oh, I could play that also.” You could then get national Football Manager players, which would be awesome, I would totally be one. So do that, right? That was pretty much it in terms of what you’re gonna do that, um I am not the biggest genius in the world and, really, there would need to be a lot of buy in from manager themselves and people around the globe and the current Football Manager community to do this.
So if you are listening to this, then please do tell your friends and if you don’t have any friends, tell random strangers on the street by shouting at them. This needs your help. This need people to get the idea out there. That Football Manager will solve overpopulation problems and therefore will save the planet. So if saving the planet isn’t enough motivation for you, then I don’t really know what I can do to help you. So if you could just do it – just tell your friends, tell the internet, tell l random strangers on the street that they need to purchase a copy of Football Manager and that they need to distribute Football Manager around the world to save the planet. That would be great.
That’s pretty much all I’ve got for you today. I think it’s been a bit of a rant and maybe not quite as funny or lighthearted as I thought was going to be bearing in mind the subject matter is fucking ridiculous. but hopefully the lessons you’ve taken away is that Football Manager can save the world and should save the world and that its undeniably, if you’re using evidence based theories, undeniably more fun than sex. So you know, if you’re having sex, stopp having it and play Football Manager instead. Uh, because you will be happier and it will make your life more enriched for a greater period of time.
That’s pretty much all from me. Uh, do subscribe. Click the like button, click the five star button. Whichever medium you’re listening to this through watching this through, give it all the praise that you could possibly give it unless you hate it. In which case do feel free to send abuse and down votes and, uh, just get in touch me directly to call me a wanker. That’s fine. I’ve got no issue with it. Uh, follow on social media. So that’s our Alfology2 to on Twitter. Alfology_2 on Instagram on and check out the website alfology2.com. Do tune in Next time new episode will be coming out not too far from now. Maybe in a few days. Maybe Wednesday. If no, I will be the following Sunday. That will be about repackaging the Bible to be a Lord of the Rings style epic and how I would do that. So that promises to be very fun. So yeh please subscribe. Please get involved. Please talk to me about the podcast. I would love to talk to you back. Other than that, thank you very much for listening.